One of the emotionally draining things about this process of waiting for surgery is the ups and downs in my physical state. Sometimes I get a few days of painlessness, and then I start questioning whether I need to do the surgery now or can wait, but at the same time I’m anxious that the pain will return and so I try to enjoy the time while I’m free of pain. But at the same time I’m aware that trying to do much just increases the risk of the pain coming back worse than before. It’s exhausting.

Friday I had a half day off work so that I could get my oldest to his dance performance. We had a great afternoon, getting ready, doing errands, eating sushi at the park, doing his makeup. I was pretty pain free through the evening sitting in the theatre watching him, and making a couple of trips back and forth to the car in a nearby parkade. In preparation for a dinner with friends tonight I decided to make a dessert for the first time in months. Baking has always been a passion and hobby for me, and it’s something that was quickly dropped off the list of things I could do when my pain started so badly in February, because it requires standing for periods of time. But, just as I was marvelling that I was feeling good, walking without my cane, standing in the kitchen to cook, I was suddenly hit with 9/10 pain right in my hip joint, almost a detached kind of feeling or a stretching pain. So, back to sitting in a chair, having my husband do everything, bring me everything, can’t get up to help the kids, just feeling pained and useless. This experience is so frustrating. It’s like one step forward, five steps back, and I’m feeling really tired, emotionally.

My CT scan is July 27, which the surgeon needs to plan the exact way he’s doing the surgery. So right now I’m thinking of the end of school for the kids, then our trip to Osoyoos, and then this CT scan will be the next milestone. Breaking up time and thinking of one thing at a time is the best way for me to manage how much emotional and intellectual energy this process is taking.

Another thing weighing on my mind right now is the CBC did a profile of a woman who woke up during surgery and could feel her surgery but couldn’t move or talk to tell anyone what was happening. How utterly terrifying. I won’t be having general anesthesia or a breathing tube so I know it’s not something to worry about but horror stories are just that, aren’t they.


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